A week ago Almost a month ago, I was sitting in a hotel conference room in Lisbon, filled with peers I deeply admire and respect and have the best time working alongside. The night prior, I’d lamented the fact we lost a coworker recently, shrinking the number of us who were non-white, non-male, and leading teams in our division (a number that was already small to start with).

Sitting in that conference room, I recognized, as I usually do in most rooms, how visible parts of my identity are: Asian, mostly femme-presenting, Big Neurodivergent Queer Energy. But, to borrow a dear friend’s words, I was reminded of how much of a bubble I live in. I’m blessed that the majority of my community and circle of friends are queer or very closely queer-adjacent, gorgeously trans or very aware of the spectrum, and able to hold two or more ideas (that usually conflict, even!) as true at the same time. There’s intuition and flexibility there, in intimately knowing what it means to interrogate and navigate fluidity on a constant basis. (Okay, and also lots and LOTS of agonizing over everything, but isn’t that what being gay’s all about? lol)

All that to say - I’ve been really lax about pronouns (all of my online profiles have said some variation of “Any Pronouns (they/he/she)” for a while, including at work). My bubble made it easy to not need to. And it’s never been the most important part of who I am! Or at least, that’s what I’ve always told myself. I love nuance. I love context. But sometimes, you need to name a thing, even if that comes with the burden of taking on someone else’s insecurities and willful ignorance. (Spoiler alert: you do not need to take that on. Don’t take that on!!!)

Being she/her’d hasn’t ever really been the thing that frustrates me - it’s the idea that female pronouns are the default because that’s what people assume I am. Now, there’s layers to everything. (Remember that whole “able to hold two or more ideas as true at the same time” thing?) For example, I know a lot of people who learned English as a second or third or even fourth language, and they get pronouns wrong all the time on accident. Trans friends are the same. We’re all just people, and people make mistakes! The important thing is how you, and others, move through those mistakes. Here’s the best, most useful, most succinct guidance on what to do if you mess up someone’s pronouns, or are deathly afraid of doing so. It’s super short - seriously, read it.

I can hear you wanting to ask: Kristi, why are you so fucking chill about this?

Well, I would argue that writing a whole blog post to point people to who I haven’t told yet is the opposite of chill. And also, I’m medicated.

… Just kidding. That’s a part of it, sure, but the bigger picture is that I’ve done a lot of work on myself and have a great support system, and I’m probably the most emotionally-regulated I’ve ever been in my life! (If you didn’t know, PMS makes my ADHD worse even on stimulants, along with all the usual issues hormonal dips and peaks bring. Which is like… why. Why does it have to be like this!!!!! Anyway, shoutout to the ring, I never want to go back to oral birth control ever again.)

So, to (re?)introduce myself: hi! I’m Kristi, or K, I’m some flavour of non-binary/genderfluid-y, and I’m currently exclusively using they/them pronouns because it brings me the most gender euphoria. I like to daydream, and am easily identified by my very loud cackle.

Most of this has been drafted and sitting around for about two weeks, but I’ve had some very transformative conversations during that time and I’m ready to set this one free!

Thanks for reading, y’all 💜